Lunch with Not-Gay Boyfriend

The giddiness has worn off, replaced by something infinitely more strange. I almost feel like crying, although I don’t know why. Lunch wasn’t spectacular, it was just … nice. But not nice in the way that you shrug off something and don’t think about it again. Nice in the way that you find something that interests you, and it feels slightly uncomfortable and awkward, but you want to find out more about it. It’s not a joyous, exuberant feeling, not the jump-up-and-down-while-giggling feeling, but something quieter and gentler.

We kind of just chatted about everything, ranging from his trying to learn music on his own to our lives before law school to my brush with hypnosis last week. He’s a very interesting fellow … it all sounds very banal, but underneath it lies a hope – at least on my part – about the possibility of finding a connection with someone.

It’s odd, because I had a crush on Not-Gay BF last year, and this year too (though pretty mild), and to suddenly be faced with reality rather than the fantasy, and have the reality be something other than disappointing or embarrassing – it’s disconcerting, to say the least.

When I walked into the place we’d agreed to meet, I saw him almost immediately, and I wasn’t disappointed, I didn’t think, god, why did I agree to do this? I saw him sitting there and thought, oh! He really is nice-looking. And when we greeted each other, I thought, oh! He really is very nice.

And during the lunch, it wasn’t the dear god, this isn’t going to work feeling I had with my lunch with Tadpole, or my drinks with the Bulgarian real estate agent last week. It had the feeling of promise.

To quote Double M, the whole thing had the slightly stilted, the slightly awkward feeling of two people who think they might like each other.

As we were walking back, he asked if I was going to be around for the winter term. And when we parted, he said the usual things – this was really nice, thank you, we should do it again sometime, you’ll be around for January, so maybe then. And then he held out his arm for a hug, which I didn’t expect.

Joiner thinks it’s “obvious that he really likes [you]” and is shy about it (and he describes himself as introverted and bookish). I don’t know. I think there is something there. I think. I hope.

Remembering, of course, that Hope was the demon left over in Pandora’s box.