Had a weird few hours yesterday where I almost had a little hyperventilatory replay of last year's nervous breakdown. I think I was reacting to the make-out session with the Bulgarian real estate agent (a phrase that itself leads to helpless laughter). Or, it could have been the prospect of deciding which firm to go with.

On that front, I surrounded myself with 13 piles of paper and started making a decision matrix (it's a chart, but I like calling it a matrix -- sounds more deadly, which it was). Got through about an hour and crossed off 3 firms (out of 13), when I felt completely overwhelmed. Firms were creeping back onto the possibles list that I hadn't thought about for a couple weeks. I wanted to cry.

Instead, I called BC. My lifeline, my life coach, light of my life and fire of my loins. And she spaketh: "hk, I remember you making a list in college when you were trying to decide which major to go with -- English or history. But you didn't believe your own list! There was one side that was clearly longer than the other, but you didn't go with that -- you waited until the last minute and then decided based on your own weird hk logic."

"So ... you're saying I've done this before?"

Heh. Of course I have. I don't remember that particular list in college (though I do remember coming to a decision to major in history while watching Henry V), but that's why BC is my friend. She remembers my life for me.

And, since both my life coaches (BC and Double M) have reminded me that I always agonize over decisions, always wait until the last minute, and always make a decision based not on logic or matrices but my own internal reasoning that may or may not be logical -- I put the piles of paper away. I slid materials from 10 firms out of sight and I put materials from 3 on my desk. These are the three firms I had visited a second time, for whatever reason -- and these were sorta random: for example, I didn't visit one firm I had originally picked out, because the recruiter didn't follow up on my telephone request for a visit -- and for better or worse, I'll be going to one of them this summer.

They are: (1) the big, well-known domestic firm known for its volume of international work; (2) the big, well-known domestic firm known for its nice, passive-aggressive personality; and (3) the smaller NY office of an enormous Magic Circle UK firm.

Now, here's the thing:
(1) this firm is indisputably a great place if you want to work overseas, if you want to do international transactions work. It is known for quirky people, for valuing individuality. On its face, it looks like a very good fit -- name recognition domestically AND internationally, good culture, etc.

BUT. The people I met as a whole were quirky in ways that I am not quirky. I didn't quite click with anyone except maybe one person. And -- this is going to sound incredibly petty, but bear with me -- they wouldn't pay for a hotel for me on my second visit to the office, because they considered Crimson-New York a day trip. As BC pointed out, this might be a sign of financial frugality, which should please me. But it's also a sign that they're not willing to keep up with other firms who willingly put me up in hotels for a second visit. And when you're dealing with firms that pretty much look alike, the things at the margins count a lot.

It just gave me an uneasy feeling about the approach to costs.

(2) Passive-aggressive firm: I feel like I SHOULD go there, being as I am passive-aggressive and reasonably well-socialized, which is the feeling I generally got from folks there. It was just very easy to talk to everyone there, and everything was extremely professional and well-run.

BUT. They're not international. Sure, they have their cross-border deals and their foreign offices, but their focus is really the domestic market. They're not known for moving associates around. They have a miniscule projects practice, which is what I wanted to try out.

That's not to say that it's impossible to work overseas with them, but it's probably more difficult.

(3) Magic Circle! That's just cool. It's a smaller office (about 100 lawyers versus 400 or 500), but part of a huge international British firm that practices local law everywhere, that moves people around a lot. They asked right off the bat where I wanted to split the summer -- Hong Kong or London? -- and okayed it with ease. There's a projects partner there who I think would look out for me -- a ready-made mentor. And the people were a little off, a little quirky, but also pleasant and professional and grown-up. No fast friends here, but a better lifestyle -- firms 1 and 2 probably have an annual hours average of at least an 1800, while this one has a worldwide goal of 1650. Probably higher in NYC, but still, a little more humane.

BUT. Very little name recognition in the States, so what about the exit options? Shouldn't I go to a big-ass firm, rated by one ranking as #5 (the passive aggressive firm) or #8 (the big international NY firm), so I have more options after the law firm grind? Will I even go to a law firm? Won't it be more pleasant to work in a smaller place? But I didn't connect with anyone I met, whereas at the first two firms, I at least connected with one or two people.

Yah. So. There it is. Decision due on Friday.

Aaaaaaand, on a completely different note, Joiner and I completely squicked ourselves out last night by going to webMD and learning all about herpes. Herpes -- it's for life!

One WANTS to embrace one's international 'ho-ish side, but unlike the ladies of Sex and the City, we mere mortals fear STDS.