THEY'RE TRACKING MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS!

- February 14, 2005, Crimson City. Yes, it sounds like a headline from the Weekly World News, but it's true right here at Crimson College law school.

We've had a peeping problem, you see. No, not the sounds made by the unholy combination of fluff, sugar, and food dye commonly known as Easter Peeps, but the alarming and faintly pitiable problem of a Peeping Tom in the law school dorms.

It started in the first month of school, when a female student reported a male looking over the shower door.

The school response: locks on the women's bathroom doors.

The student response: having to remember a code for the bathroom was a pain at first, but students got used to it. Rumors swirled around that the peeper was the foreign assistant of a famous, controversial criminal law professor. Then it stopped being a topic of conversation, because everyone had too much work to do.

The residents of Maroon Hall had been considering whether to turn the women's bathroom on the coed floor into a coed bathroom, but as the floor RA reportedly said in her pert yet curiously flat Texan accent, "Well, I think putting locks on the girl's bathrooms is a clear mandate from the school, so we're not going coed."

But a few weeks later, the Peeping Tom struck again.

The school response: change the combination.

Student response: gripe about the annoyance of having to remember a new code. They got over it fast enough, though some reported that taking a shower in a deserted bathroom still felt slightly creepy.

All was quiet on the Peeper front for several weeks. And then, just before reading period for 1Ls, he struck again.

This time, student response was more exasperated than anything. Really, would they just go ahead and catch the creep? The school changed the code for the locks yet AGAIN, and there was a rumor that the women would receive a bathroom key.

No keys were issued, and, as per SOP, female students gave the new code freely to male students within minutes of receiving it from the dean's office.

Now, Crimson is about to put more drastic measures in place. Students living in the dorms received an email today:
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To residents of Maroon Hall 1:

On Wednesday February 16, the keyshop will be installing swipe card locks on all the women's bathrooms in the Crimson Dorm complex.  This will help resolve security issues, allow female guests of male residents access to women's rooms, AS WELL AS BEING ABLE TO TRACK WHO ENTERED THE BATHROOMS [our caps] should a problem occur in the future.

Your student ID will open the women's bathroom on Maroon Hall 1.

Please be aware that you are responsible for the use of your student ID and for any guest who uses your student ID card to enter the bathroom(s). 

There is a hole punch for ID's available in Scarlet Hall 4 (on the filing cabinet next to the counter) should you want to attach you [sic] student ID to a lanyard or keyring.
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What could have prompted Crimson College law school to such measures? There have been no further reports of peeping, so we can only assume one thing: Crimson wants to track the bathing and bowel movements of its female students. (And female guests of male students as well, we guess.)

Why should Crimson want to do such a thing? The school has been unable to quash persisent rumors that it is running a secret experiment on women in traditionally male-dominated environments, to test the theory of the College's president that while innate differences between men and women might be one reason fewer women succeed in science and math careers, such differences don't really come into play when it comes to the study of mushy social sciences like the law.

"Well, when you're doing well and feeling good about school, you just go to the bathroom more regularly, I guess," conjectured one student.

"I think they totally should have given us lanyards for free," volunteered another student standing nearby.

One radical group on campus is planning a protest -- but not for what you'd think. "We're protesting the lack of locks on the MEN'S bathrooms," the president of M.P.A.M.B.T.D.M.M.D.G.P.O.T. ("Most Peepers Are Men But That Doesn't Mean Men Don't Get Peeped On Too") said meaningfully. Asked what he meant, the student sighed exaggeratedly and said, "What about the women peepers who violate the sanctity of men's bathrooms? We want the same protections as women. We feel it's deeply discriminatory to have locks for women's bathrooms but none for men's bathrooms. We want locks too!" He added as an afterthought, "And none of that low-tech code stuff, either. We want to be monitored like the women are monitored! Yeah, baby!"

Students confirm that female students living on a floor with a men's bathroom often do use that bathroom instead of going through two locked doors to use the women's bathroom in the next hall. Students also confirmed that male students living on a floor with a women's bathroom do at least occasionally use that bathroom instead of going through two locked doors to use the men's bathroom.

Asked for comment, one female student sighed, "The problem is that all law students are desperate, socially awkward people. I don't blame the peeper, really. He probably sits alone in his room trying to understand torts and civ pro like the rest of us, and needs some kind of release from the stress. Maybe he's allergic to alcohol or doesn't like watching TV or playing video games, which is how the rest of us like to blow off steam. I don't think he's justified in peeping, but he's clearly more sick than criminal."

Asked by this reporter what field of law she was headed into, the student replied defensively, "Defense attorney. Why?"

Assured by this reporter that defense attorneys were noble and really awesome as well as hot enough so as to sizzle, the student continued thoughtfully, "I don't really mind if someone's tracking my bowel movements, since I don't have any political ambitions and I can't foresee any possible negative outcomes from someone knowing how many times a day I pee anyway." Asked what did bother her about the situation, if anything, she paused and replied, "Well, I do think we should have gotten free lanyards."