Lotta rage today.

I realize I'm going to sound like some '50s cartoon version of a father coming home from work, but sweet jesus, I just want some peace and quiet when I come home. Please! PLEASE! No ching! ching! of a video game in the common room right outside my dorm door. No yelling from the boys playing the video game when they lose. Or win. Or whatever. No talk of who the best retriever/quarterback/running back/goalie/pitcher/all-around best player of whatever freakin' sport -- which MUST be conducted in heated, raised voices. No coming back to 25 tall people sitting around watching a basketball game eating pizza and drinking beer. No. NO. NO!!! Shut up, shut it down, and go to your rooms. NOW.

Aargh.

10 pm on a Wednesday night is not an unreasonable time to be watching a game on TV with 20 others -- I know this. Which is why I got back from the gym (small victory -- yay!), took a shower, and headed right back out again to the library, which I know will be quiet. I'd rather be lying in bed finishing torts. I resent having to come to the library for peace and quiet. I am tired of having my room invaded by the sound of ANYone talking or watching TV or playing video games. I just want it to be quiet! Is that so much to ask?

I hate dorm life. I hate having the common room outside my door. I am going to move.

Second haterific topic: made the stupid, STUpid mistake of getting into a grades conversation with someone. Just an innocuous if whiny: "Gee, what does it take to get a High Pass in legal writing, anyway?" To which my conversation partner -- so tactful! so sympathetic! -- replied, "Oh, I know lots of people who got High Passes." And then ensued a downward spiraling conversation about the uselessness of doing any work in legal writing class that went something like this:

"I feel like I worked pretty hard on that last memo, and I did just the same as people who never went to class and barely did work."

"Yeah, well, that's where you're going to get screwed, because I didn't do any work and I got a Pass too."

"But I think this is the most important class -- this is something we're really going to use as lawyers."

"Yeah, but my sister, who's been a paralegal for a long time, says that partners want different things anyway, so what they teach you here isn't going to be any use anyway."

"But they're supposed to teach you legal reasoning and that cuts across the board. I just don't understand why they don't incentivize this class more -- why should I work hard at this?"

"I don't know why you're getting so worked up about this -- no firm is ever going to care about what you got in legal writing."

And so forth.

First of all, I hate it when people pretend they don't do work when they do. What's the freakin' point? Second, getting into a firm isn't the only goal here. Third (and here's where I start cooling off and remembering what I'm really upset about), I find law school topics boring. I find law school classes boring. I find the discussions in class soporific. And useless! So I cast about, looking for a reason, any reason, why I should be here, and I think, "Aha! Well, this is a trade school, in the broadest sense, so I'll at least learn a skill here." I am learning legal analysis, yes, and some legal writing, but when the things that you want to get out of your education are marginalized by the school and your peers, well, that's sad-making.

And that's where I am. Sad that my priorities and approach are so out of whack with the average law student. This was a stupid venture, a cop-out decision, and I'm paying for it. There's nothing I can grab on to during the annoying parts of this process, nothing I can point to and say, "Hey. That's why I'm here. I want to save the world/make money/have prestige/merge companies/organize communities/become President." Nothing that makes me want to stick it out -- except my own dumb pride and stubbornness.

Who are these people who are impassioned by what they can achieve through law? Not me. Who are these people who appear to genuinely enjoy 10-minute back-and-forths with the professor on what "intent" means? Not me. Who are these people who treat law school as a stopping point on the way to greatness or money? Pas moi, cherie. Who are these people who accept calmly a place that treats strategy and gaming the system as preferred ways to deal with life? Not me.

Yesterday in legal writing (you know, the class that actually teaches you a skill but isn't graded), the instructor mentioned the historical context of the Supreme Court opinion we were looking at as part of an exercise, and I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be interested in something said in class. We were looking at a civil rights decision, and the instructor told us about the decision made by black leaders in the south to recruit students for the sit-ins and marches, after Birmingham increased bail for arrested marchers such that working men and women would have to sit in jail for a few days, missing work, to raise the money. (Bad, awful grammar -- sorry.) Anyway, my ears perked up and I was suddenly actually listening, interested, instead of half-following along. Remember, hk? Remember when you used to like school?

I remember. It makes me want to put my head down on this desk and close my eyes in resignation.