Unexplained absence

I can't explain why I haven't written in 10 days, or why before that I didn't write for almost two weeks.

I haven't been that busy with work. A few late nights here and there, but mostly I am out by 8 and home to watch a half-hour Korean drama that comes on at 9:30.

I've been a little depressed. The change in seasons, maybe.

Maybe it's because I spend all day in front of two computer screens, poring over documents and trying to be instantaneously responsive to emails. It's hard to come home and open a laptop after 10 hours in front of one.

Maybe I'm undergoing a change. I think I am, kind of. I'm a lawyer, I work at a law firm, I live in New York. I have a studio apartment, I'm sitting on a designer couch, and in half an hour, I'll go to sleep on a thousand-dollar bed. Sometimes the deepest kinds of change are wordless.

Maybe my life as it exists now can't bear the scrutiny of the person who started out here five years years and thousands of words ago.

Maybe I have things to say that I can't say in this forum. Or maybe I have nothing more to say.

I know this. It's not just the job or the title or the trappings. It's the nagging unhappinesses that gave way before the King Kong-sized unhappiness of law school, but have now begun to stand up and assert themselves in the space that a working, single life provides. Perhaps it's a good thing, this radio silence. Perhaps they need to bounce around in my head, and not get blithely kicked around here. Perhaps I need to listen, and not talk.
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Hey.

It's been a while.

I've been laying low, trying to figure out a better way to deal with my family and my bitterness/anger/disappointment about them.

Not being able to get a decent night's sleep has not helped. (Old, loud radiator + too-hard bed = very troubled sleep.)

Work is fine. I meant to write a long piece about the special bonus virus that has been sweeping across the upper echelon of New York law firms, babies, marriages, dominoes, and paths not taken, but I haven't mustered up the energy to write it.

It would have been a good piece, too.
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