Losing yourself

I took things into my own hands since my last entry, nearly six months ago. Tired of the punishing work cycle of M&A, and desperate to leave, I approached the partner I used to work for, in the department I used to work for, and asked if I could come back.

He made it happen. Just like he made my six-month period in Hong Kong happen a year before.

I felt like I won the lottery. I actually clapped my hands over my mouth and stared at him bug-eyed, astonished that he'd done it. He had to call in a favor, which was from the same guy who did him a favor by letting me into the M&A group in the first place after my time in Asia. It was pretty damn humbling, on all kinds of levels, and I felt very, very grateful to have this person's regard.

I started work back in the old group on Jan. 1, and it's been good. For about a month, I stopped waking up with that terrible dread. But the bloom is somewhat off the rose now, as I put in two tough weeks that completely sapped me of energy and turned me into a stressed out jerk.

When work is busy, I become a zombie, focused only on the task at hand. I wake up and immediately check my Blackberry. I can't concentrate on conversations with friends. I forego meals. And over everything, there is a haze of fear that I've done something wrong or will do something wrong or am doing something wrong that will catch up to me later.

It's terrible to live that way.

I had my annual review today, and was complimented on my calm, confident attitude. I put clients and colleagues at ease. I don't freak out. But on the inside, I'm living in fear.

I've changed since my time in Hong Kong. I have less time and less energy and less money, so I'm less social, less adventurous, less spontaneous. When I have free time, I need to catch up on errands, buy groceries, clean my apartment, go to the gym, sleep, get prescriptions filled, drop stuff off at the cleaners, take the recycling and garbage out. It's not possible to fit these necessities into the few free, waking hours I have when it's busy AND have a fulfilling social life, relationship or family contact.

So I come back to the question, never far from my mind: What next? How do I continue to make enough money and still be me? The me I want to be? The me I was in Hong Kong and Seoul? The me who would join a solicitors' choir, or spend a day trying to help immigrant workers, or show up at a hiking group, or go walking up a mountain in the dead of night? I turn the question over and over in my mind, and never seem to get any further than I did even seven years ago, when I was struggling over whether to go to law school or not.

How do you find fulfilling work in this world, especially in this economy?