The Other Shoe, She Has Dropped

After four weeks or so of low-key, twice-a-week hookups, Scientist was the first one to break. Last night he said: “I’ve been thinking about us.”

AAAGGGHHHHH!!! A phrase to strike terror in the hearts of hks.

I will spare you the specifics and attempt to summarize. The man has not been happy the past few weeks because he feels that the relationship is not moving forward. Theoretically, he wants to be in a relationship where he wants to engage fully, spend several nights a week together, integrate two lives a little bit (not fully, mind you, as he made a point of saying, since he doesn’t have the time or energy right now to do that). But he can’t get over an internal activation barrier (oh yes, he did use that phrase – he may not be sweet or smart, but he is a scientist) enough to do that in THIS relationship. He doesn’t want to move forward, and he doesn’t know why, but he’s unhappy that it’s not moving forward. Oh, but he also doesn't think we should give up on it yet.

To which I say: “…the fuck?”

Several weeks ago, when Scientist said (for the second time) that he wanted to take sex out of the equation, I told him that that wasn’t acceptable, that I wanted everything – spending more time together, meeting each other’s friends, doing stuff outside the bedroom. And at that point, he shied like a spooked horse and said he needed his space and that he felt pressured – blah blah blabbitty blah. So on some level, I figured that the past few weeks were good for both of us – I didn’t have time or energy to spend on a real relationship, and he wasn’t getting any pressure from me to commit more fully.

But … no.

I’m having a curiously bifurcated response to this. On the one hand, I know – I know – that this doesn’t have the potential for a longterm relationship, even if I do end up staying in Crimson City. I looked at Scientist last night as he told me these things, and I couldn’t muster any compassion for him. After he unloaded these concerns, he seemed much more lighthearted and relieved, and we started talking about other things, including problems he’s having at work, and though I said all the right things and (I think) made him feel better, or at least heard, it was like a reflex – all those hours doing mediation, you know. For the first time too, sex (yes, because this is the pattern: relationship talk, me feeling totally crappy, wordless staring, weirdly normal conversation, followed by sex) felt utterly empty, and I just wanted it to be over.

On the other hand, I’m three weeks away from the bar, and I can’t afford to waste a day here or there nursing stung feelings. And it’s so easy to just go along the way we have been, which is to just kind of ignore the talk and continue on. The stuff with Scientist has been a third or fourth tier concern for the last 2 months, what with graduation, the bar, and finding funding. Perhaps I should just ignore everything until after the bar? Then I’ll be gone for two months in god knows where, and it’ll be a natural break point anyway.

I veer between depression and cranky, agitated urges to just end it already.

To top it all off, I studied with Friend a lot last week, some nights into the 11 pm zone, and while at first I was glad to have a study partner, I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable (again) with us spending time together.

Sigh. I should flee to New York and camp out in Joiner’s apartment.

For my amusement during the wills lecture today, I came up with these short missives to various interested parties…

Dear Women of Crimson City:
I managed to keep him off the dating scene for 3 months. You’re welcome.
- Love, hk

Dear Women of Crimson City:
I’m done. Good luck!
- Gleefully fleeing, hk

Dear Scientist:
I’m done. Fuck you!
- Utterly demoralized because of you, hk

Dear Karma:
Thanks for the lesson. I’d say “up yours!” but I’m afraid of more “lessons.”
- Respectfully, hk

Dear Barbri:
I know you told me to get out of troubled relationships before July so I can focus on the bar, but maybe July 2 isn’t too late?
- Dying on the inside from your wills lecturer’s abrasive voice, hk

Dear hk:
Just ignore everything and concentrate on studying for the bar. Fuck everyone else! Don’t return phone calls, emails, or acknowledge the outside world in any way. Get your head on straight and memorize the 15 bazillion ways to impeach a witness NOW.
- Love, the Scary Mommy part of you

Dear hk: Girl, please. Some self-respect. Dump the motherfucker already.
- Love, the you that you wish you were