Barblue

Ack. I've officially crossed over into the anger/hatred/depression stages. I replaced the bargaining phase with hatred, since bargaining would be useless; any contract I made now with the devil about passing the bar would involve unconscionable levels of duress. Or something.

ARGH. I hate hate hate the law and I hate hate hate the bar. I also hate the people downstairs who are drunkenly playing the guitar and singing. Shut UP, downstairs neighbors! You own a condo! Stop acting like you're in college!

Last night, though, I was filled with sadness about the bar. (I'm also filled with sadness about the fact that I haven't seen the inside of a bar for weeks and weeks, but that is another story.) I went over to Scientist's apartment, we watched Breakfast at Tiffany's (which was just darling, darling), and then we got it on, and then I felt weird and weepy, but in a very detached way, like the way I felt when I took ecstasy many years ago and knew that I was physically tired but chemically perked up. Ah, my wild and wacky acting out period of... 2 weeks or so. Good times.

What was I saying? Oh yes. So I was feeling weird and weepy, but not because of Scientist, about whom I've been curiously calm and at peace with lately. Now that the anticipatory stress of graduation is over, I can focus on the fact that studying for the bar really, really sucks. Memorizing minute details and rules of law for hours every day sucks. Especially when law itself sucks.

So last night the overwhelming wretchedness of having to do something I dislike for hours and hours, every single goddamn day, swept over me like the tide and I felt pretty damn miserable. And the worst thing? Everyone keeps saying that it'll be over in a few weeks, which is true, but what's next? 2-3 years of being a lawyer.

Scientist, who was being sweet about it, suggested I do something fun for at least a little while each day, which was a good suggestion, except that when I thought about what would be fun, I couldn't think of anything. Which depressed me further.

Today wasn't so bad (and Scientist called me today on his way down to the Cod to see if I was feeling better, which was very nice), though after attempting and failing to do practice essays for a few hours, I had to call Miracle Gro on the Left Coast and get some encouragement. And lo, she made me laugh harder than I have for days, with this story: A guy friend of hers came over, drunk, and insisted she get into bed with him, whereupon he said, "You know, Miracle Gro, usually I look at you like I would a sister, but sometimes you look pretty! And then I want to sleep with you!"

Bwah hah hah hah hah! Hee hee! Hee...! Heh. (wipe eyes) Whew! Such suave, sweet seduction.