Things fall apart
(not safe, big bro. not safe)

Tonight was the weekly check-in with Sweet, Smart Scientist, who wants to communicate openly and step back and clarify things for himself and take things a little less seriously, which for him means no more sex.

Yes, that's right. The man wants to stop having sex, so he can figure out what he really wants, and get to know the woman better, without the complicating automatic intimacy from sleeping together.

I don't know what it is with today -- the terrible, terrible news about VA Tech? the third day of constant rain and wind? the lack of sleep? -- but I veered more into frustration and anger than sadness and understanding upon this conversation.

"You don't have anything to lose," he pointed out in the car when he was dropping me off. "And it's -- I don't want to waste time -- not that it's a waste of time, but that's four months -- Do you understand?"

"Of course I understand!" I said, voice rising. "You want to find someone to have a long term relationship with. And if you weren't dating me, you'd have the time and energy to try to find someone who you could develop that intimacy with, so that you could go to the next place together. I get it. I'm not stupid, you know. "

I tried to pick a fight, challenging him on his assumption that there WAS anything to clarify. "It IS clear," I said, exasperated. "You don't want to do long distance. You want a long term relationship. And I. Am. Leaving." He demurred on the long distance, saying that he'd rather not, but he wouldn't rule it out.

His mild manner and earnest face made me sorry for trying to pick the fight. What was I doing, anyway? Trying to convince him to break it off now? That wasn't what I wanted. So I took his hand and apologized for bringing it up again, at 2:30 in the morning, after we had talked about it for an hour at midnight. "You don't have to be sorry," he said, and I burst out, "I'm just frustrated--"

"With what?"

"-- at you! At your indecision!"

At that, he finally got riled, and replied, "Would you rather me make a decision now and not try to figure things out?"

Well, of course not. And that's just it. I like him. I like the -- some would say -- false intimacy that comes from having sex, because in truth, I probably don't want anything more. The false intimacy is easy, it's biologically based, it doesn't require the work that real intimacy demands. But it makes me happy, and I just want to be happy for the next couple months.

It's not to say that I don't genuinely like Sweet, Smart Scientist, or that I don't genuinely think that he's a great guy, a real keeper. (Throughout this conversation in the car, and the conversation in his apartment, he held my hand or otherwise maintained constant contact with me. While we're having a pretty troubling state of relationship talk!)

But my reaction to his desire to step back and cut out the physical intimacy is telling. In his view, the sex led to a level of intimacy he wasn't ready for, and taking that out of the equation lessened the seriousness of what we are doing. In my view, the sex is the less serious part of the relationship. Trying to get to know each other better, which is what he wants to do, is far more serious. On one level, it's not worth it for me, as I've only got 3.5 months left here. On another level, I don't know that you can build enough intimacy in that amount of time to launch a long distance relationship, so ... why even try? Why not just enjoy the false intimacy and be happy? It's that spectre of ultimate and inevitable failure that makes me doubt that Sweet, Smart Scientist is even serious.

I don't know. I left the car dissatisfied, unhappy with myself and with him. Half an hour earlier, before all that troubling talk, he'd given me a hug and said, "I'll see you soon? I mean, if you want to see me." Of course I do, you idiot. I'm afraid that YOU don't want to ME soon. And my behavior isn't likely to tip the scale to yes.