What I really want to do is direct?

I've lost count as to how many career shrink sessions I've been to now, but today I felt hopeful again. Yes, I'm going into a corporate law job now, but I'm working on figuring out what it is that I really want to do, and with some more work and some help from the career shrink, maybe the next job will be one that I actually want to do, one that won't cause me to sigh in resignation.

I asked the career shrink, "Is it all going to make sense in the end? Does this all lead to something?"

He said, "Take this in the most positive way that you can, hk, but your life isn't something that's happening to you. You'll make it mean something. It'll make sense because you make it make sense."

"Okay," I said, properly chastised. "I'll be the actor."

"No," he gently corrected me, "be the director. Be the producer. Go out and do something fun."

"Right," I replied, "I will be my own cruise director."

-----------------------------------------------
Haze

I guess it's not that strange, but I find it disconcerting that I want to see Sweet, Smart Scientist today. I wanted to see him yesterday, too.

It's not that I am THAT enamored. I think it's really that hormonal thing that intimacy triggers, similar to the ache that new mothers feel from being separated from their infants. A bunch of synapses firing, a mess of chemicals activated, and you walk through the day in a moony haze of memory-triggered half-smiles and this vague feeling that you're missing something.

It's nice, in its way. But ... I only want to feel this way if he's feeling this way! And I can't know that! That is not so nice. But I suppose it's the nature of these things.