Sing it, Shonda Rhimes

On Grey's Anatomy last week: "The ones who suffer the most are the ones who don't know what they want."

Tell me about it.

Not knowing what I want #1
I met with my supervisor on Wednesday to go over my clinical project and strategize, and at the end of the going over and the strategizing, he folded his hands, exhaled, and said, "Now. All that's left is your future." And proceeded to suggest that I ask my firm to wait 6 months to a year for me to start, and instead fund me to continue working on my project into next year.

And I somehow found myself agreeing to feel out whether that would be possible.

I have mentioned a couple times to The Turtle that I'll be sad to leave this project, and that I have really enjoyed working on it -- I liked gathering information, lobbying people, setting the wheels in motion for something that might actually help poor people. But his suggestion still took me aback.

I love The Turtle, and I loved working on this project, but maybe it's time to move on from this place? I don' t know!

Not knowing what I want #2
This summer, after the bar exam, I have two months before I start work (if I'm still going to the firm and not asking them for time off to do this project with The Turtle, that is). I could drive across the country with friends, which I've always wanted to do. I could go off on another thrilling adventure with The Ringleted One, which I always want to do. I could go take cooking classes in Tuscany with a friend here, which sounds incredibly relaxing.

Or, I could try getting an internship to set myself up for the next career move.

I have a couple of leads I could follow, and I even know someone here who, last summer, did exactly what I want to do. My loans don't kick in until late fall, it's two months of entirely free time, and it would be the ideal time to try something crazy.

But maybe I should just go to Tuscany and relax? I don't know!

Not knowing what I want #3
This is partly about what I want, but also about what someone else wants, and that someone else is Sweet, Smart Scientist, who last night apparently decided that he's gotten to know me well enough without the complications of sex to move back into the non-celibate arena. Rowr!

But also: Rowr? (Cat scratches head.)

This is without any discussion of the state of the relationship, nor any other action or comment that might hint at ... anything. And afterwards, when he drove me home? Well, I bolted out the car before either of us had a chance to say anything.

Undoubtedly, this nice state of notsayinganything will not last for long.

He's still sweet, he's still smart, but ... his period of indecision changed the way I feel. I don't know.

That is why, instead of starting my 20-page paper on North Korean human rights violations and how to solve 'em, I am going out to drink.