Hello, sunshine

We've missed you. But you come at an inconvenient time -- I really need to get work done, and all I want to do is sit outside and bask.

Last night, we had elections for Student Org 1, and I feel horrible about them. Because my co-director and I had information about some of the candidates that no one else did, we ended up (by request) speaking about them and our views on them, which essentially turned the election around. The tide was strongly in favor of these candidates, until I spoke (my co-director and I shared the same opinion, but I happened to go first) about my strong reservations about their qualifications. Because I generally don't state my opinion about most things (usually because I don't care), and because my co-director is a forceful personality, we definitely swayed most people.

We were stuck in a hard place -- as supposed neutrals, we should not have spoken at all, technically, but we were asked to, and we felt we had to relay this information. But it doesn't feel good to have essentially dictated the outcome, and to have done so in a forum where the candidates couldn't defend themselves.

I went for a drink afterwards with my co-director, and she asked how I felt about the past year. You know, I said, I don't know how I feel about being a leader of an organization. I'm glad to have been so involved and to have gotten to know everyone that I have, and I don't think that would have been possible if I hadn't been a leader, but I don't think I'm generally comfortable in a leadership position.

My co-director is definitely the opposite -- she's a brisk, decisive, opinionated person who enjoys directing the process. I'm much more of an observer. I'm happy to be part of it all, and I'll state my opinion on things that I feel strongly about, but I hate talking about policy and I hate deciding things.

Still, as we turned off the lights in the room we held elections in, and walked out of the building, I felt a real pang. Being part of this organization has been one of the two shining lights of the past three years. I love the people, the principles, and the things we do. I think my co-director and I have made a real impact on the organization (one of the many effects we've had is that more people ran for positions than in the past two years), and though it's probably more from the energy my co-director had, I'm sure I too had an impact in the personality of the organization.

I still feel shitty about the elections, but overall, I'm so glad to have been part of this org.

And in Sweet, Smart Scientist news? Saw him last night, had essentially the same conversation as on Tuesday night, and it's still all up in the air.