Status

In my negotiations seminar on emotions this week, we talked about status as one of the core concerns to be aware of in negotiations, and did some stupid exercises. That class has turned out to be rather disappointing -- I would have been better off reading the book. But at least it's different.

Anyway, I was out tonight in two different and very highly status-conscious situations. First, I went out for drinks with two interns at the clinical placement I'm at this term, plus another law student from their school. They're from a local law school, and the Crimson-bomb danced around the table where we were having drinks for a while, all threatening to blow up and stuff. Always difficult dealing with that "Oh, you go THERE" kind of comment, and the initial "should I be, like bowing to you and stuff?" knee-jerk reaction people have.

I'm afraid I compound it sometimes, like when one guy mentioned he went to college in Ithaca and I automatically assumed his almer mater was Cornell. Nope - turns out there's an Ithaca College too. And you know what? The guy is going to go work at the same law firm in Crimson City that a number of third years at Crimson Law School are going to, so really, if it ends at the same place, does it matter how you got there? And yet, it does. It always does.

Second, I went out to a choral concert with Mr. Destroyer -- the first time I've seen him since that apparently disastrous first meeting this term, when I told him I was tired of being summoned to his events at the last minute and being ignored when I suggested other times to meet, and since the ensuing drama-laden email chain.

The first half hour was rough. He had told me he was going to come to the happy hour with my coworkers, but didn't, and so I assumed he wanted to just meet at the concert, but he wasn't clear about wanting to meet before then, so it was all a terrible phone conversation and a half, and he showed up really hungry and out of sorts and was acting like a big, big pain. We were walking along in the freezing cold weather barely talking, with less than an hour left before the concert, and I thought despairingly, "Why did I even try to be friends with the Destroyer? Why?"

Awkward!

But then we found a place to eat, and I said, "Okay, you're not going to be happy in the concert unless you eat, so let's sit down and eat and not worry about being on time." He said, "This is awkward, huh?" and I said, "Yeah, well, it's been a while since we've seen each other, so maybe we can consider this our adjustment period or transition time or something." And then, over some food, we started talking more normally, and he put his arm around me, and we ended up not going to the concert at all, and totally wound up going back to his place and -- what can I say? Hypno-toad.

Bwah hah hah! Gotcha! No, that did not happen, nor will that ever happen, because -- look, the man is delightful, he just is. He's charming, he creates the sense that you're the only person in the world, he's disarmingly open and intimate, and he's got that Satanic sex appeal. (If you watch Grey's Anatomy, it's the McDreamy effect, with lighter colored hair and less of it.) But he is also untrustable. Like, he hangs out with a recently married female friend in his apartment alone, drinking wine together and whatnot, and scoffs at naysayers as prudish. He sits a little too close for someone not pursuing you. He calls the girl he's dating* "a moron" because while "she does quite well for herself," she "doesn't have any clue about life."

A little about this girl -- and bear with me, because while it may seem that I'm harping on this point because I'm jealous or something, I have a point to make. The She-Destroyer told me about "the girl [Mr. Destroyer] was dating," mostly to the effect that he was dating someone who looked like me. Tonight, Mr. Destroyer asked me if I knew a Ms. Moron. I replied that I did, and then listened in equal parts horror and amusement when I learned why he was asking about her. I happen to know her somewhat well, since we both work in Student Org #1 together. To be honest, I understand why he calls her a moron, because she is kind of scatterbrained and lacking in common sense and flighty, and my first thought upon learning that he was dating her was, "Wow, your standards are LOW." But hey, we can't all be beautiful, brainy, impassioned academics like the She-Destroyer. After the She-Destroyer, any girl is going to seem less interesting, less articulate and less beautiful. Still. If you were dating someone, wouldn't you be thrilled to know that he's talking trash about you to another girl? This is why Mr. Destroyer is awful. And not to be trusted. Because what does he say about me to other people?

Anyway. He had some choice comments tonight, like:

- "Boy, just when I think you have moments of depth, you prove me completely wrong." (When I called him on it, saying he was insulting, he defensively said that it was so ridiculous it was obvious he was joking.)
- "I'm smiling because you make me happy."
- "Even earlier in the evening, when it was awkward, I felt comfortable with that. I always feel comfortable around you."
- "I always have this image of you as dispassionate." (Later, when I ask in exasperation how I'm supposed to be more passionate if I'm not: "I don't know, be with someone you hate but are attracted to?")
- "So, are you dating anyone? I asked you that earlier, but you ignored that. Or maybe you didn't hear me." (Actually, he'd followed that question with another one when he asked it initially, so I had answered the second and not the first.)
- "The only part of me that's warm is the part of my leg rubbing against your ass." (Bwah hah hah! This is a real quote, but lemme put it in context -- I demanded a ride home on the handlebar of his bike, and he was complaining that no, the exercise wasn't warming him up at all.)

So, like, fuckwittage, right? And yet, I am the moth drawn to the flame that will consume me. I admit, I commit a bit of fuckwittage back, but I am a mere acolyte compared to the master. It's like he was born to play mind games.

What was the point of all this? Oh yes. Status. I can never be sure where I am with the Destroyer, because we always seem to be jockeying for the higher position. We appear to be forthright, when we're really hiding everything. Actually, that's not true -- I appear to be forthright, when I'm hiding everything. For him, I don't know that there is anything beyond what he says.

We both agreed that it was fun tonight. But will we -- no, will I do anything more about the Destroyer? Will I initiate contact? Will I try to keep in touch more, get together and do things more often? Hm. See: flame, drawn to.

Damn. Already 1:30 am? Too much time spent dissecting Destroyer-dom (because it's fascinating). I'm done (for tonight, at least, but tomorrow I'll have a long conversation with Joiner about all details of the evening).