IRONIC HISTRIONICS

hk came back to 8 messages on her answering machine, all but one of which were offer-related. Between those and the two calls I got today, I am now up to 11 offers out of 13 callbacks. I haven't even gone on the 13th callback yet!

Christ!

A girl does like to feel she's wanted.

Along with the telephonic offers, one gets the congratulatory emails from at least if not two interviewers, the invitations to dinners or diversity weekends, the proposals for marriage, the three-pound tins of cookies -- you know, the usual. Okay, not the marriage proposals. But one of the Mighty Big Firms did send me a Mighty Fucking Big Tin of Gi-normous (TM Joiner) Cookies. Each one weighs half a pound.

To mix it up, I had a telephone interview with the federal employment discrimination agency this afternoon, which was very nice and softball. I enjoyed talking to those guys a lot more than with the corporate drones I've been talking to all week. I know it's not their fault that they get excited by words like "capital markets," "derivatives" and "options," but if I had a nickel for each time I wanted to shoot them -- or myself! -- while they droned on about their jobs, I'd be rich enough to invest in those capital markets myself. One woman really did become extremely animated while trying to explain structured finance to me -- flushed cheeks, widened eyes, big smile.

It takes all kinds, I tell ya. All kinds in this world.

The funny thing about the offers is that they say exactly the same thing -- verbatim! "Well, I'm delighted to offer you a place in our summer program, hk. Everyone you met loved you. They said you were the best thing since sliced bread. They said you took the sunshine with you when you walked away from their offices. They said your eyes were like the stars and your hair like the endless seas. They found themselves composing epic poems about you, which they then posted on the firm's intranet. They wept a little as they considered how empty their lives had been before they met you. So if you have any questions about the firm, or if you want to come take a second look and meet more people, just let me know."

And what's funnier is that I play my role the exact same way. "Ooooh!" I squeal. "Thank you SOOOO much! I am just THRILLED to get the offer. I really enjoyed meeting EVERYONE in the office, so please extend my thanks to everyone I met, even that guy who couldn't contain his disdain of human rights work! When I got back to my hotel, I called everyone I knew and gushed about your firm. In fact, I'm choreographing a dance tribute to your firm that I plan to put on at school! It's a little jazzy, a little avante garde, a little Martha-Graham-meets-Michael-Jackson-meets-the-entire-cast-of-Riverdance. Whoo! What about us, girl! So -- uh, yeah. Thanks. I'm really very thrilled."

And then I hang up. And I feel the urge to drink a lot and smoke. But I don't. Because I'm too cheap to spend money on frivolities. Which I could remedy by working like a dog for a Mighty Big Firm. Not just this summer, but after law school. And really, what does it matter if you're so bored that your brain starts oozing out of your ears in order to get away, as long as you have money for your smokes and booze?

Whoo!

PS. It occurred to me that I'm not doing right by you. I should let you know exactly how much is much when it comes to these jobs. So here it is: you get $2400 a week in the summer. (Some places offer $2403 a week, which makes me think that somewhere, someone's got a sense of humor.) The annual starting salary at each of the Mighty Big Firms I'm looking is $125,000 (not including bonus) for first year associates.

Of course, when you break it down by the amount of time you put in, it's a lot less per hour than you'd think. But it's still a whole fucking lot of money.