Went to a Passover seder (dinner) tonight at a Jewish nursing home, courtesy of Joiner, whose aunt works there. It was educational and interesting, and quite depressing as well. Old people who are active and vital are not depressing. Old people who no longer understand what is going on are depressing.

Joiner and I got back from the home and both felt low, low, low. We started talking to another hallmate, who had decided not to apply for a non-resident tutor job next year at one of the Crimson College undergraduate residences. The residences hire Crimson College law students to be pre-law advisors to the undergrads, which means that the undergrads in each residence hall have a personal advisor who looks over their application, keeps track of the deadlines, helps them gather the pertinent materials, etc. This was not the reason why my hallmate decided not to apply, but -- what the hell? No wonder so many Crimson College undergrads get into Crimson College Law School -- they have personal counselors for that express purpose. Why should they get that advantage, on top of everything else?

That led to talk about helping people in need, which was on my mind, you recall, from my TA's talk on Thursday. The rabbi at tonight's seder (who was unbelievably good-looking -- that kind of thing really should be outlawed) also talked about helping others and humbling oneself before God. My hallmate said that it was sometimes depressing coming back from visiting her "Little Sister" (she does the Big Brother Big Sister program) because she felt like nothing she could do would improve her little sib's chances in life.

This sparked the memory of a Korean saying, which I shared with them and now with you: "It is better to be alive and live in a field covered with dog shit than to be dead." Or something like that. It speaks to the hardships that Koreans have gone through over the years. I'm not sure I entirely buy it -- there are fates worse than death -- but it helps me to remember that when I get down, or when I think about the sometimes intractable nature of socio-economic class, or when I think of people living in abject poverty, or when I think of ... any number of things, really.

I asked above why Crimson College undergrads should get the advantage of personal pre-law counselors when they have so many other advantages. I'm not blind to the irony in this; I know that Crimson College law students are in the exact same boat. It's sickening how much we're given here, how much we are catered and pandered to by law firms. Double M marveled at the free coffee in the mornings, and the free feminine hygiene products in the bathrooms (yes, for real). There's a kid in my hall who has eaten dinner for free two or three times a week on average this semester because of all the firm receptions catering to first year students. I know this doesn't happen at other schools.

The irritating thing about it is that people seem to take it for granted. Or rather, they're mostly too young and immature to understand how much of a privileged position they're in. I have never been in a situation where so many people act inappropriately, or rudely, or unthinkingly, or self-centered-ly -- well, the adjectives are getting out of wack, but you see what I mean. The way people get drunk out of their minds at firm receptions. The way no one talked to the woman in my hall about her drinking problem before she drank half a bottle of vodka and ended up in the hospital. The way people come back to the dorm at 3 in the morning and play video games, during which they SCREAM and pound the table when they've repeated by asked over the year to keep the sound down after midnight.

Most of this, I am well aware, is immaturity. I was immature and inconsiderate and self-centered in college, and I would hate to be judged by the way I was at 21. But it does bother me that a lot of these kids are going to go into obscenely high-paying jobs and know only a life that scatters pearls before them. The same criticism can be made of me -- it's only a matter of relative consciousness and awareness of other avenues of life. And many people here ARE conscious of their positions of power, and understand the responsibilities that come with that power. But my god. It makes me want to scream.

This culture of entitlement and privilege makes me uncomfortable, as I suppose it made me in college, where I was less able to articulate it. I don't want power. I don't want to lead. I just want to do some good in the world -- more good than bad would be nice. I don't need all the perks and open bars and ice rinks and law firm paraphernalia. It's not just the skills valued and encouraged here that I feel alienated from, it's also this culture.

I think my strengths lie in completely different areas than law school, which makes me sad here. I like making people feel better when they're down. I like helping people figure out the way they feel. It's kind of funny -- in my elective with Famous Minority Professor, the readings are often about lawyers taking a step back, learning to listen to the community, to the client. That seems so obvious to me that I'm sometimes bemused by the readings. Lawyers provide a service; they are part of a service industry. Of course they should be listening to clients and communities. That's their job. But the assumption seems to the opposite -- that lawyers do tend to make decisions for poor clients, or on behalf of communities they're litigating for. It's not a paradigm I identify with. I don't need to be told to listen -- that's what I do best! I need to figure out the opposite -- how to speak!

Well, I've gone on and on tonight. I'm in a weird, kind of blue mood, brought on by the seder at the nursing home, and by some (more) irritating interactions with Friend. The spring, I think, lulled me into a thick kind of acceptance, even happiness, about where I am. But I don't think it was real.