Booze

I came back to the dorm today after a truly scintillating lecture on the American prosecutor at the Nuremberg trials (which was 99 percent history and a tinge of law and that's really the way it should be except maybe for the law part -- you could leave that out) and found out that someone in the dorm had been taken to the hospital. Apparently she'd drunk the better part of a bottle of vodka, and her friends couldn't wake her up.

Law school, I thought. Fucking law school. If you're someone who isn't sure you want to be here, someone who's more at home in the world of words and humanity, the stress and the workload and the complete bullshit of all it would kill your soul.

This person has other problems, preexisting problems, and one hallmate remarked, "Yeah, she always struck me as kind of sad." I barely know her -- we just say hello and smile at each other in the halls sometimes -- but her deep dislike of this place struck me as real, unlike the superficial "omigod, law school SUCKS" that everyone sighs out before getting back to work. Or -- I don't know, maybe those people freak out in the library too, and run hyperventilating through the night, and feel like crying every few days too. Who knows? Yeah, law school does SUCK, bigtime, and everyone says that, but there are some people for whom it sucks worse than others, and maybe it would be better to be up front about it, about the tears and the panic attacks and the nights playing computer games til 3 to escape reality. Because maybe it would help to know that not everyone bitches and moans and then goes back to reading, maybe it would help to know that there are others who feel wrong here. Very wrong.

I was pretty upset about this when I found out, and almost more so by the matter-of-fact tone that people took. It's not that they don't feel for her, that's not it at all. And it's not that they don't care -- this person has friends here who do care. I guess it's more the lack of outward expression. Are you really bothered by this and just putting it behind a facade? Or are you just not that emotionally engaged?

But I guess I appear pulled together to others too. I mean, I did my reading for tomorrow, and went out tonight, and who would think that I normally feel so isolated here?

I went out with three other girls in the hall to an open bar thing hosted by the women's law association here. Free margaritas and food! It was small and chill, and I spent half my time talking chick stuff with a girl from my section and my RA, and half of my time with the hallmates doing the the bar's weekly trivia contest, and it was awfully fun. It's really the first time I've gone to a law school function and felt happy. Liquor is the answer, except when it's not.