What is it with Mondays? Just had another mini freak-out session, starting with reading in the library, being bored to tears (nearly literally), and having to leave because I just couldn't sit there anymore staring at a case I didn't care about, reading words I didn't understand, feeling like I'd never finish and even if I did, that there was an endless number of cases to read in other classes.

This is after a weekend of "taking care of myself" by taking Friday and Saturday afternoons and evenings off to meet friends and read a novel, after getting 9 hours of sleep both those nights (and 8 last night), after going to the gym both Saturday and Sunday.

Called One-Armed Maggie this time, and she reiterated the words of Miss D: read the outline, figure out the holding of the cases, don't worry if you can't read everything. Miss D, by the way, alarmed by my freakiness, called me this weekend in a gesture of great sweetness and mercy to try to reinstate my sanity. I'm embarrassed to say that I wasn't able to keep her wise words in mind for more than a few days before having another panic attack. I'm a slow learner, Miss D! I'm sorry!

Recurring panic attacks, feeling like I want to cry everytime I look at a textbook, inability to relax, a decrease in patience and forbearing -- is this normal? The scary thing is that I think it might be. A little on the extreme side, but... for example -- I overheard someone walking by my door last week say, "I HATE law school. I'm tired of never getting enough sleep. I'm tired of always feeling behind. I'm tired of always feeling like I need to read. I'm just sick of it." And yesterday. The kid in the hall who was super proud to come to this law school and wants to be a lawyer and is actually on top of his work? He confessed to looking up tuition refund policies online, to see how much he could get back if he dropped out now.

Why is it like this? Why do they assign so much reading when there isn't nearly enough time to absorb it and think about it and put in into a larger framework? Why does this have to be so hard and stressful and hateful? What purpose could it serve? Someone suggested that it was to weed people out. Why? The more alumni, the more donations.

I was going to go to a summer jobs presentation tonight, and a lecture on the alternative dispute resolution they are using in the case of Rwanda, but I am skipping these things to attend a prior commitment at the Crimson Club in town. Someone is going to speak about the "unconscious nature of assessments of self and others that reflect unintended effects of social group membership (such as age, race/ethnicity, gender, and class)," which basically means that we all hold biases and prejudices about others, and those biases and prejudices affect how we behave individually and our social structures. The relationship with law is, I hope, obvious.

Miss D, One-Armed Maggie, and the student career advisor I saw last week all said to take time to do stuff I want to do, so damn all if I'm not gonna take that fine advice.

And then I'll come back and read. And attempt not to freak out.

Damn, I hate this place.