Shift

Lest you think all is gloom and doom this side of the Pacific, I am writing at 1:20 in the morning after a long evening of Korean food and karaoke with the 8 other people of Korean heritage in the office. And it was fun!

Abroad, it is much easier for people to understand me as Korean rather than American. I've observed this in a couple different continents, and it strikes me as one of the wonderful things about the U.S. We may be provincial and ignorant, but Americans, uniquely, understand that you can come from any ethnic background and still be American. Which is why we demand things like English-only statutes and workplaces -- it is because we expect the outsiders to become one of us. It's not perfect, and not everyone has this understanding (witness the young Texan boy who asked me once, "Do you come from America?" when I was in college), but the theory behind it all is profoundly moving and in my experience very different from the way people in other nations approach outsiders. People in Japan and Korea forgive your strange mannerisms and customs, because you're an outsider. You can't be expected to know Japanese/Korean ways. The flip side of that is that you never belong. In a way, American intolerance for foreign manners and customs is an outgrowth of an underlying belief that no matter where you come from, you can belong. We aren't a closed community, impossible to enter into if you aren't born to it. We proselytize because we believe everyone can reach salvation.

The struggle, of course, is finding the balance between you as American and you as XYZ ethnicity. It's a struggle that all hyphenated Americans face, but none more obviously than those who don't fit the European American mold. Who aren't, in plain English, white.

All of this is sort of related to my point here (admittedly loose and vague due to large amounts of soju), which is that in the States, I don't hang out with many Korean Americans. But here, it was oddly comforting to go out as a group and do "Korean" things.

Layered onto that are the memories of the last time I went out with Koreans in a work outing -- when I worked at a Korean office in Seoul. Then, I was an outsider myself -- the lone Korean American in an office of native Koreans, and I was treated as such, due to my lack of familiarity with the language and customs. Tonight, though, even though my language ability was the lowest of the group, I felt a part of it in a way I didn't feel in Korea.

This week things seemed to turn around. I was really thrown for a loop by the lack of work here, and so spent 5 weeks moorless, casting around for something to hold on to in a sea of endless free time, no acquaintances, and nothing to do but amuse myself. But after a good talk with a Korean American coworker on Monday, I feel like I have more of a grip. I made contact with the litigation department and asked for some work, because it's not just boring to have nothing to do, it's time lost from developing skills and experiences I need to advance in my job. The social thing is fine -- I'm content with the acquaintances I've made. I've made a list of projects I'd like to do in my free time, of which I'll pick one to concentrate on. And I have a guiding principle.

What is it? It's so simple, I laugh at myself. But it's just this: be happy.

It's taken 6 weeks, but I'm finally ready to enjoy this experience.