Dear Fools Who Think They Want to Rent My Apartment

1. To the young lady from Turkey: "Fully-furnished" means fully-furnished. Yes, that means all my furniture stays here. No, I will not box up my belongings. If you have guests, as you told me, who would take things from the apartment thinking that those things are yours and therefore okay to take, it's not going to work. Also, you should think about getting new friends.

2. To the young Princeton graduate who is a consultant: $1700 per month for a furnished apartment in a doorman, elevator building in Midtown East is not expensive. You're a consultant! You've been living at home in Westchester for months! Stop being such a cheapskate!

3. To the recent law school graduate who came with her lovely parents who loved the place: The advertisement said you'd have to co-sign a lease with me. I told you that the building doesn't allow six-month leases or subleasing. So why did you waste my time, your time and your parents' time asking for a six-month lease or a sublease, after saying that you'd take the apartment? This is New York, honey. Sometimes nice apartments in condo buildings (which your parents loved, since it gave both of us "a sense of security") come with conditions. Also? I have a job. You don't. Who should be worried about the other not paying rent and leaving the other one on the hook? Also? Forget about sending me your resume. Also? Don't be such a little snot.

4. To an acquaintance who wanted to rent for one month to see what it's like to live in Manhattan: Dude. I'm not made of money. The apartment's gonna be empty for six months. Do you really expect me to cut you a deal for one month because you've always wanted to live in the city, and leave the apartment empty the other 5 months? You've got balls.

5. To the young woman from Atlanta who was going to be moving here for a job: I was pretty bitter about you bailing out on me after I'd sent you all the paperwork, but I feel even sorrier for you. I'd watch out for this new employer of yours. Any company who hires you for an October start date and then, on September 11, tells you they won't need you until January or February, after you've already given notice at your old job (which sounded pretty cool already), is not a company to trust.

6. To the young Princeton grad who clearly didn't think the apartment was good enough for her: It's not a luxury building. But it's clean, comfortable, and got an elevator and a doorman. So don't stick your nose up at it. Not everyone wants to live in a McPartment Building, totally isolated from the rest of humanity.

7. To the marketing girl: Now I know why people snicker about people "in marketing." Also? I hate the way you pronounce your name.

8. To the Princeton Ph.D with the husband in Hong Kong: You, I liked a lot. You rock climb, which is way cool. We could have been friends, even. I wish it had worked out, but you didn't want your name on a lease past the six months. At least you were apologetic and cool about it. I appreciated you offering to connect me with your husband while I'm in HK.

9. To the HLS grad moving back home to the South: You, I also liked a lot. You took off your shoes without being asked. And you admired the way I handle food trash (I store it in the freezer, to avoid bug problems). You didn't want to store your stuff to move into my place for 6 months, and I totally understand that. I hope moving out of New York will make you happy, 'cause you seemed a little bit sad on the inside.

10. To the partner in a law firm in Mexico looking for a place for his daughter, who's also a lawyer in Mexico and will be coming to New York for a training program: I liked you too. You're a partner. I figure I can probably trust you. I hope to god you take my place, because I don't think I can take this any more.

11. To my landlords: You're very sweet. Fussy and demanding, but sweet. I bet you're regretting ever agreeing to let me try a co-tenancy/sublease arrangement.