Definitiveness

(1) Elizabeth II

Yesterday morning, one of the mekanix at Karma Kanix (Berkeley. I tell ya.) revised his estimate of $1200 for replacing the first, second and third gears -- he'd called VW and they have apparently superceded the part with another, fancier model, which is now in Wisconsin and is more expensive. So the $1200 went up to $1400, not to mention the gasket valve cover (or something like that) ($190) and changing the brake fluid ($70).

When I went in to reclaim the Jetta later that day, he said, "Automatic transmissions scare me."

"Aw," I said jovially, "they don't bite."

"But they do," he said knowingly. "They bite pretty hard sometimes."

He'd been discussing the Jetta's tranny (hee!) with the mekanix in the shop, and he just wasn't comfortable quoting me that revised price either, because there was just no way to tell what else he might find wrong in the transmission. Really, he'd rather put in a new transmission, and that would cost $3,050 in parts alone, plus at least a grand more for labor.

With that information and advice in hand, I felt a great sense of relief. No way was I going to dump $4,500 into a car that I might not even use on the other side of the country, especially since I still didn't know where I'd be. My dad paid him for the diagnosis and the research (when I told him he didn't have to do that, he said, "Goodwill. You prepped the dorm house out of goodwill, and I'm paying for this out of goodwill."), and I thanked the guy for being straight with us. He could have easily dismantled the tranny and kept charging more and more for each faulty part he found. The first shop I went to would probably have done so -- hence the "worn pistons -- yep, I'll have to take out the transmission" line when there are no pistons in the transmission. Not this guy. If you ever need work done on a VW or an Audi in the East Bay, I can recommend Karma Kanix.

Thus ends the dream of taking Elizabeth II across the country. I reserved a rental on Orbitz today, and bigbro and J1 will probably sell her when they get back from the shining city of West Hartford. Bye, Elizabeth II! It was nice while it lasted. You made me feel like a grown-up, all driving my own car and shit.

(2) An Answer, Finally, About the Job

Partly because I was debating whether to pay for car repairs, partly because I have been dying to know for weeks, I wrote to The Turtle, my clinical supervisor, yesterday, asking him to consider calling the foundation we applied to for news about our application. He wrote back a very nice email saying how sorry he was that it was taking so long, and that he'd been thinking about it every day, knowing that I needed to let people know and make some decisions.

So he called and left a message, and got a voice message tonight, saying that our application was denied because we didn't have tax-exempt status yet. (The Turtle created a nonprofit and incorporated it and applied for nonprofit status in the few short months since we conjured up this plan for me to stay and work on the employment discrimination project).

That's right: no more Crimson City for me. I'm going to be in New York, and I'm going to be working for a corporate law firm starting October 1.

The Turtle was depressed about it (how do I know? because he said, "I'm really bummed" and sighed deeply several times during our 10 minute conversation), and I am too. I also feel relieved, free, thankful, flattered, and appreciated. The Turtle made a point of saying how great the project was running -- 70 calls since June 1, and about 10 referrals -- and that it was all due to my work. Now that's something a girl could blush about. And put in her scrapbook. Even though he has an agenda -- keeping me out of the corporate clutches -- and freely admits it, I'm so grateful and pleased that he worked so hard to get me this funding.

If I had gotten the funding, I would have enjoyed living with Mathgirl and husband; I would have enjoyed learning more from the Turtle, who is an amazing lawyer and person; I would have enjoyed living at a more relaxed pace and finding myself again after 3 unhappy, whirlwind years; I would have enjoyed learning more about employment law and seeing if I wanted to practice it. So I mourn the loss of the opportunity to do all these things, as well as the loss of the chance to help poor people, and to fight discrimination in my own tiny way.

But we tried our best, and it wasn't in the cards. I'm terribly glad we tried. I'm terribly glad to have thought, and looked, and decided, and sought, and now, now that I've failed, I feel a great sense of relief to have it over with. Dearest Turtle! We'll always have Crimson City. And there's always next year.

(3) The Moldy House

No doubt about it: that basement is swimming with mold spores. I started sneezing my head off today until I closed the doors to the back room and bathroom, and my grandmother complained of itchy eyes. Fortunately for us, Landlord did essentially evict the upstairs neighbor, so my dad and grandmother will be moving upstairs a week after they move in, where there is probably (we hope) much less mold.

And my dad told Landlord that he reserved the right to move out at any time, so I repeatedly told him, "You've gotta move in December, after the first semester's over for these exchange students." I hope he takes my advice. I think he should have just found another house to rent, but there's only so much an hk can do with her dad.

(4) The Great American Adventure

I proposed a vague plan of travel to Joiner and Resident Evil, and Joiner's buying a ticket to Berkeley for the 15th. With the car question (and others) settled, I can actually start planning my vacation! Which, you know, I kinda deserve. It's been a hard 3 years, and an even harder last 2 months, and I need to play.

I'm not good at it. Relaxing, I mean. I went to J1's and bigbro's house in happenin' West Hartford two weeks ago, just after the bar, and it was like a tutorial in relaxing. People (J2 and J3 were there too) wandered around eating, going outside for a smoke, drinking, taking naps, playing with the baby, watching TV, working on a puzzle -- this is all we did for about 24 hours. It was so weird! There was nothing to do except relax!

The problem is that guilt IS my chauffeur, and I have a bad habit of letting other people decide what I'm going to be doing. This is born out of laziness, dislike of decisionmaking, lack of strong opinions, and maybe a touch of wanting to please others. So a lot of the time, I seem to put other people's wants and needs before mine. I do like to think it's at least in part a little bit of selflessness. But it takes its toll, and I often forgo things that I would enjoy or that would re-energize me because I'm too lazy to pursue them or because I feel bad about enjoying myself while others (here in Berkeley, my dad and grandmother) are working hard.

(Wow, that whole last paragraph was all about repetition. Sorry. It's getting late.)

Anyway. I've been working for over a week on this house, when I didn't even know my help would be needed, and after a very tough bar exam. So though I still feel guilty about taking off with Joiner on the 15th, I can at least hold up the (by then) two weeks of free labor and wave goodbye with a slightly less guilty conscience.

Damn the guilt!

And now, this entry has truly reached epic proportions, and must be stopped. NOW.