Blue Tired

Yesterday was a red tired kind of day. I was fatigued, yes, but with the sense that I'd accomplished some good things and done what I needed to do and gotten out there and been part of some decent conversations and been productive. The fatigue had a cheerful aspect to it, like it had been worth it.

Tonight, though, is blue tired. (I just realized that this color scheme is also the one used to identify political leanings, but that is totally not the case here. But in case it brings up that imagery, you can call it "deep-rose tired" and "ashy-leaden-sky tired".) I spent half of my time at clinical today surfing the web and answering policy questions about my student org from Board members. I got comments back on my "journal" for the negotiations seminar and was told that the experience I wrote about, which was pretty near to the heart for me, wasn't "on point." (To further add insult to injury, the writer of the comment was a 3L younger than me who, I gotta believe, can't really know jack shit about negotiation.)

I went for a run, which made me feel a little better, as did watching the last half hour of Showgirls, which is so deliciously campy and stupid you gotta love it. And I skipped going to the firm function tonight -- even the thought of free Kir Royales and champagne cocktails couldn't motivate me to walk over to the fancy venue. It was good I skipped the event, but then I got a call from Ms. Destroyer inviting me to drinks for her birthday of all things, and I vacillated between going to observe the Destroyers interact and getting more fodder for the memoir or at least essay I will eventually have to write about them and their saga and drama, and feeling like I couldn't bear to go outside and face people, much less Ms. Destroyer, who usually makes me feel like the dullest person alive. I surfed the web past the time I could really show up to her function, and then vacillated about calling her, finally did, felt utterly dumb while speaking to her, for no apparent reason, and got off the phone as quickly as I could.

And now I have just wasted your brain cells and time on this earth by relating all this, when really the biggest problem is that I haven't had any time to recharge from last year or the summer (I went from a final on a Friday to my summer job on a Monday, and then from my summer job on a Friday to school on Wednesday), and the solution is clear -- several days of reading trashy novels, watching great TV, eating lots of green tea ice cream and pho, and having nothing to do with the toxicity of law school.

A bit off the self-pity route: I do think I have either alienated or gotten fed up with everyone at law school that I used to think of as sorta friends. I used to kind of like the Destroyers -- being their friend was sort of an ego boost, and they're really intriguing, if nothing else. But over the summer the bloom fell off the rose with Ms. Destroyer when she said she'd come to my farewell event and never explained or apologized for not showing. And Mr. Destroyer, besides his inexplicable hypno-toad-like sexual appeal, has nothing to offer by way of generosity or even reciprocity or courtesy to me, a supposed friend. Friend is a friend no more because even to look at him is to shudder in revulsion and annoyance. I can't stand to be around my old hallmates, Prom Queen and her court jester G, because over an hour with Prom Queen and I can't take her complete and utter self-centeredness, and her court jester G is so completely enslaved to her that he can't do anything without her. These days I get annoyed with even Joiner, the most empathetic person I know here, because of her timidness and neuroticisms.

I need to get out of here.

Three weeks and 2 days til Fly-Out Week.