Well, as I suspected I would, I did slide down the Hill of Fatigue into the Pit of Despair ("don't even think about escaping... and no hope of being rescued, either") after I wrote yesterday's entry.

I went to see a long-running Korean musical called "Line 1" (originally German, great social commentary, most of which I didn't get and had to have explained to me), and in the middle of the second act, Rags, a drug-addicted prostitute, sings to the down-and-out heroine: "You're going to be happy, I know it, you've got the strength to be happy, I can see it in your face," and I really tried to hold 'em back, but two big ole tears came rolling down and plopped into my lap.

Partly I gotta blame the lack of sleep, which does to my sanity what an '80s metal band does to a 5-star hotel room. But in part, it's also because even when I don't consciously realize or acknowledge it, it's a lonely business, living in a new place. You have to keep trying, keep moving, keep meeting people, keep being social, keep getting out there.

I am trying to do that these days, both because I'm on the hunt for good friends, and because I do appreciate the amazing, beautiful diversity of people. But it gets tiring. It's easy to feel lonely.

So when I heard Rags sing in the second act, it was as if someone I loved had turned to me and said, "I know it's tough and I know you feel alone, but I promise you, hk, you're gonna feel better soon."

In college, Asher Ricelli once said that his favorite line out of any book he'd ever read was "Only connect." E.M. Forster, Howards End. I often think of that. I thought of it last night when, after the musical and dinner with Mia and her friends, I was walking with Mia in Daehangno, and wondering if it would be weird, loserly or stupid to tell her about some thoughts I'd been keeping to myself lately. It's so hard to make yourself vulnerable. But -- only connect.

So I talked.
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I'm getting older, as we all are, and for the most part, I feel pretty fine about it. I'm certainly less judgemental than I was, say, five years ago, even though it's still fairly often that I run into a situation that makes me think I need to get over myself and loosen up. But I'm also increasingly less tolerant of rules and hierarchies that suppress dignity and make people feel bad.

Just now I came back from a snack run (the team has one every afternoon) with Myung-soo that lasted a long while because we were talking. We were told that another team director had been waiting to give me something to correct, and that she'd finally left because I was gone for 20 minutes.

I felt a little bad about not being here, but I thought about it, and I figure I could have been out for 20 minutes at a shot for any number of reasons, and for crying out loud, does it really matter? But what makes me mad is that the team's pugnacious know-it-all asked me, "You didn't just go to the little store, did you? You went somewhere else, right?"

"No," I replied, "We were just talking." (Which was not politic, I know, but I was rattled and couldn't think of a cover.)

"You were talking -- did you hear that, Miss Min [the assistant team director]? She said they were talking. And the team director was here waiting. Myung-soo, you shouldn't take Helen with you anymore when you get snacks."

I went to my desk to check if there were any new documents, and the loud-mouth said to come have a snack. "I feel badly that I wasn't here," I said. Loud-mouth said, "Oh, it's not your fault! You don't have anything to feel bad about!"

Of course, Myung-soo felt badly about this, and that makes me mad. Who the fuck cares if a fucking letter gets out today at 5 pm or tomorrow at 9 am? I would have finished whatever document she had for me by day's end. If the team director hadn't had a document to check just then, our long break would have gone unnoticed. I might have been puking in the bathroom, for all they knew -- in any case, the point is: Who the fuck cares?

In essence, what I really resent is the strict hierarchy that forces the lowest person on the ladder to just swallow their dignity and take abuse. I know this is present in some U.S. companies as well, but in Korea, it's omnipresent and stringent and just stinks.

Oh, and the matter that the team director wanted to consult me on was simply whether "As Your Excellency is well aware" was correct. NOT a reason to cause someone to feel bad. Fuckin' A, people, have some fucking perspective.