Walked into work this morning and was greeted with compliments and fish from Big G, one of the attorneys in the office. Said he, "I feel like I should bow down to you because of how you fixed that brief -- hey, how about quitting law school and coming to work for us now?" Stunned but wildly pleased, I said, "Uh, okay, but only if I can just do editing!" Big G replied, "Yeah, sure! Or maybe I'll call you during the school year and ask you to edit our stuff." I told him I'd send him my rates.

Now keep in mind (as I do) that Big G didn't see the original draft, so I don't know how much of the brief he thought was mine or whatever. But apparently Supervisor -- in his typically bombastic way -- told him that it was crap before I looked over it. Which it wasn't. But it's nice to hear.

Oh, and the fish! Big G offered to give me to give to the folks some wild salmon he'd caught earlier this summer, to make room in his freezer. He said that if the folks didn't want it (they don't -- I asked yesterday but forgot to tell Big G), I could just eat salmon all summer. Sounds good to me.

Compliments and wild salmon are just how I like to start the day.

I wish I could talk more about the other cases I'm working on, if only to bitch about the system, or the utter incompetence I feel, or share the deliciously prurient details, but I'm bound by confidentiality agreements not to even disclose identifying details about our clients.

I will say that both Co-Intern and I don't feel inspired to work for the people so far. It's really depressing sometimes. And the lawyers view victory differently -- Ponyboy, the newest lawyer, won a hearing today, and everyone congratulated him for pulling off a victory in the face of really bad odds (here's where I really wish I could share the details but can't). There was a condition of the victory, though, that caused the client to pace up and down the room, sobbing uncontrollably. She'd said she'd be okay with that condition before the hearing began, but I wonder if she didn't feel pressured to give in. And she was unmistakably terrified of performing the condition. Ponyboy, Co-Intern and I all felt bad for her, but the more experienced lawyers shrugged it aside -- she'd agreed to it beforehand, after all.

It's not that they're hardened or cynical, but you have to take your victories as they come, I guess. It's all very sad.

The folks went to Denali yesterday and had planned to come back today, but they couldn't get onto the shorter shuttle ride into the park that I'd recommended and wound up taking the 8-hour one (at twice the price). And now because they're tired, they're going to spend another night in a hotel. Which my uncle will have to pay for. I can hear the reluctance to spend the money in his voice, and yes, he is quite thrifty, but it makes me sick that he's spending all this money to entertain my mother, who simply doesn't appreciate it. Not planning and having to spend another night around Denali isn't really my mother's fault, but I know that my aunt and uncle have spent easily twice what they usually spend during the time my mother's been living with them, which is now -- sweet jesus -- over a year.

This family problem has been on my mind a lot this summer. The Problem of Mom. The Problem of Aunt and Uncle Enabling Mom. The Problem of Dad Being Irresponsible about Mom. The Problem of Me and Bigbro Not Wanting to Take Responsibility Either and Letting It All Fall on Uncle -- Again. I just don't know what to do. My mother has no income, hasn't for years, and when my father cut her off last year, she had nowhere to go. So she went to her older sister's house -- my aunt and uncle's. And they've been letting her live with them, buying her what she needs, spending money on going out and traveling and eating in restaurants -- all things they would rarely do for themselves. It has the potential to be a good arrangement, because she also drives them around and is there if anything should happen. But she's difficult, my mother, and depressed, and often acts out her impatience by ignoring her sister and brother-in-law, or bickering with them, or giving them the silent treatment.

Her depression, I think, is getting better -- she used to not want to see or talk to me either -- but the bickering has gotten worse. "It's aged me and your aunt," my uncle said, and he's right. This is a man who started out as a buck private in the army, a high school drop-out, who managed through diligence and a forthright, honorable work ethic to buy a house and sock some savings away, and put my maternal grandmother up in a little apartment nearby. Sometimes I think he and my aunt are the only people in this fucking family with any sense of responsibility, and yes, that includes me. Everyone says, including me -- well, what could you do, hk? You can't do anything right now. And while I'm in school, it's true that I can't be the source of any financial support. I could drop out of school and work -- people have done that, because they had to. But as long as my aunt and uncle keep taking on the responsibility, there's no compulsion to take drastic steps like that. It would be one thing if I were doing something that I loved -- I might be able to justify it, albeit guiltily. But that's not the case. The only redeeming thing about law and law school is that I can make a shitload of money after I graduate in two years.

I see-saw. Sometimes I think, as I did yesterday: "There has to be an end to this unhappiness. I can't live my life this way -- I'm too lucky, with too many choices and advantages, to continue doing something that makes me feel almost sick with stress at times, that makes me itch for cigarettes and alcohol, that makes me feel so incompetent and bored." But then I wonder -- what, should I drop out of law school and head into something more palatable but financially unjustifiable, like grad school?

I can't quite explain the sense of responsibility that weighs on me. Why not let my aunt and uncle shoulder the burden once again? Be the dumping grounds for the family? It just isn't fair. There are so many things that aren't fair, and I hate that I'm part of the unfairness.

I should go to bed.