We're in the money (but soon we won't be)

I never used to understand the concept of retail therapy, but I get it now, because that's exactly what I've been doing these past couple weeks, with the 9 bras and multiple pairs of underwear and three tank tops and wrist sweatguard and track pants and pair of shoes.

I have to transfer trains on the way home from taekwondo at Wangshimli Station, and there's a cornucopia of shops down there selling cut-rate sandals and sneakers and handbags and knicknacks and books and sunglasses and hairbands and clothes. I never used to look at these subway vendors before, but in the past few weeks, I've started looking forward to my transfer, because I'll spend an hour in the subterranean shops, looking around and eventually buying something under $5.

Out of the maybe 10 times or so I've done this, I've only bought one thing that cost more than 5,000 won (USD$4.31), and that was tonight, with the 10,000 won (USD$8.63) pair of shoes. Because everything is so cheap, I don't feel bad about buying things, and because I don't feel bad about buying things, I tend to buy a lot (for me), and because I tend to buy a lot, I've unwittingly spent close to 40,000 won (USD$34.50). Now even I admit that that is a bargain, but -- wait. That really is a bargain. That's a frickin' amazing bargain. For under USD$35, I got 8 bras, 3 pairs of underwear, 3 tank tops and a pair of shoes (the other stuff I mention above I got at other places). What the hell am I beating myself up over? Shit, buy away, hk!

Oh, wait. I remember why. Because I got my financial aid package from Harvard. The thought of going into massive, massive debt led me tote up all the things I'd like to purchase before starting law school (computer, digital camera, a trip to Japan, electronic Korean-English dictionary, a trip to a certain English-speaking country where an erstwhile fling lives -- ha ha). I then calculated how much I would have in hand by the end of the summer if I didn't spend one won more than what I have in my little red wallet now.

As it turns out, there isn't much of a difference in the sums. Unfortunately, I kind of need that money to give to Harvard. Which means if I want those fun things, I'm going to have to take out a private loan to cover part of what I personally have to contribute this year (that's not counting the $26,500 in loans I'm taking out from the feds and Harvard!). Now you might say, well, what's another couple thousand when you're going to come out with $100,000 of debt anyway? And you'd have a point there. But being in debt, or even the prospect of being in debt, has a strange effect on me. I start worrying. I start pinching pennies. Or won. I deny myself things (which I didn't need, yes, but acquiring things is fun! say it with me boys and girls! buy buy buy! it's so jolly being a consumer!).

I came out of college with the full amount of federal debt you can get into as an undergrad, plus a thousand or so in credit card debt. I paid the card off in the first three months of work and have never carried a balance since. Paid the $20,000 in undergrad loans off in a little under 5 years, and for two and a half years, have grown increasingly secure and assured about buying things that I like or want, without scurrying into the beancounter's office in my brain and calculating how much that shirt or book would affect the amount I sent to the loaners that month.

In Korea, with so few expenses, I've become entirely spoiled. I basically swept my bank account clean to go on the trip to Southeast Asia, which became one of the most memorable and important parts of these past two years. I feel entirely free to take trips around Korea, buy things when I feel like it (of course, most things I want don't cost more than USD$8.60 or so -- more than that, I balk), treat people to meals on a whim. I haven't become a spendthrift by any means, but I've stopped being so damn nitpicky and stressed about spending money. It's a great, great freedom, and I'm really, really, really going to miss it.

And I have to ask, what the hell for? It'd be one thing to charge into the red so dramatically if you're sure that you want what you're buying. But I'm not sure, and I am entertaining Doubts (not just a nuclear family of 'em, but the whole freakin' clan), and the whole argument of "not wanting to regret not going" is starting to sound paler and paler. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of figuring it out, what I'm supposed to be doing -- "supposed" my arse, I mean, what I want to be doing -- but I just can't seem to get my fingers around it.

It does seem rather late to be entertaining, doesn't it? I've two more months here. And the time for what I have been doing is over -- I'm done with language school, I'm ready to quit my job, most of my friends have already left, and that era is naturally closing. But there you have it. The Doubts that have overstayed, but that won't go away.

I'm going to go hug my new shoes now.