Decisions Part 4: Back to Wishwash

Perhaps "wishwash" isn't the right term. Or rather, "back" is probably incorrect; I haven't exactly stepped back in the process, just haven't advanced either. Yesterday I felt unusually clear-headed about the whole thing, but today I watched two Harrison Ford movies on the TV, read a Dorothy Sayers book that was far too erudite and literary for me, and worried about the decision in a vague and unhelpful way.

Bother bother bother. I wish I could just decide and have done with it. I felt singularly unambitious and lazy today, and the thought of jetting around to foreign countries or doing research for news articles made me think, "Oooohh. Do I really want to do that? And have to actually be responsible for things of any consequence? And have to be 'on' at work?" In my finer moments, I am energetic and confident; more ordinarily, I think, "Oh, what a bother. It's much more comfortable to sit here and read a mystery novel for five hours straight and not even catch up on Korean homework than to ... well, do anything else, really."

The active professions I was thinking about yesterday -- foreign service and journalism -- are only appealing in my finer moments, and otherwise are or involve activities and effort that I think I should do, because they're good for me, much in the way that working on my high school paper was good for me, because it challenged me and made me work hard and was never, never stagnant. I don't remember ever being comfortable at any stage of writing an article -- even writing the actual text, which I liked the best, was always stressful because it was always subject to review and change and possible commands to go out and do more reporting -- but damn if it wasn't the most rewarding extracurricular activity I've ever done.

There's value to challenge.

A lot of value.

On the other hand, going back into academia fills me with no particular dread. Whether it be history or psychology or law, the classroom is not a place I fear. Insecurity about my intellectual capability, yes. But dread, no. Doing research, writing papers, thinking about stuff sounds like fun to me, although doubtless I have blocked out some of the travails of being a student.

So what is it now? A choice between uncomfortable-but-rewarding, and difficult-but-nonscary? Give a mouse a cookie and he'll ask for milk; give me time and I'll come up with more issues to debate. Is it a battle of value systems? A matter of deciding which is worse: regretting not going, or regretting going? An inability to commit? Who knows?!?

The funny thing is, I actually want to do ALL these things. I want to write interesting and illuminating stories, and I want to be a therapist, and I want to study history, and I want to travel to many countries and help people understand each other, and yeah, I even want to go to law school. And you know, I've thought about each one of those things and come up with reasons not to do each one: not cut out temperamentally to be a reporter; don't have enough background in psychology to get into psych grad school; won't have a job after history grad school and anyway, not smart enough to be a superstar; not good at the schmoozing you have to do in diplomatic positions and not smart enough to deal with situations requiring political know-how and tact and not self-sufficient enough to take the loneliness of being in the foreign service; suspect I don't have a mind or temperament suitable for law but would have to be a lawyer for years to pay off the loans, thereby missing out on the chance to do all that other stuff.

Although now I'm thinking is that if I did go to law school, I'd try going into the foreign service or some sort of nonprofit, international work (hi, UN!).

My, isn't it busy in here?

If I don't like being a lawyer, I'll still have to be one to pay off the loans. That's the big issue. So, do I think I'm not going to like being a lawyer? I don't know. Then put it another way: do I think I would like being a therapist? Yeah, I think I might. Do I think I would like being a reporter, or a foreign service officer? Sometimes I would and sometimes I wouldn't. Do I think I would like being in history grad school? Yeah, I probably would.

So maybe I should do what I think I would like, and would also not close the other doors, and would also fulfill the security/prestige requirements. Well, I'd like being a history student, and from there, I could try going into the foreign service, but I don't think that satisfies the security requirement. Being a therapist would fulfill the security/prestige and I'd like it, but it's not an easy transition to any of the other things.

God. I'm thinking three careers ahead. Get a hold of yourself, Helen!

I'm running around in circles again, so I'm quitting for tonight. If it seems that I've accomplished nothing at all in the past several entries (the Decision Series), it seems that way to me sometimes too. At least, though, I'm looking at some concrete options that seem as real and as doable as law school. I was lacking that before.

If you've come this far, I give you my thanks... and my pity!

[Short break]

Thought of another tack. What about my life now do I like? Learning a language, lack of responsibility, living close to family, having plenty of money, becoming well-versed in something (Korean society), freedom to travel, having the time to write these absurd blog entries. I don't need a big fancy house or anything like that. Hm. Self-initiative seems to be lacking in me, except for writing these -- again -- absurd blog entries.

Oh lord. I really can't think any longer. 'Pears that the heading for this entry was prescient.

Going now. For real.