No time to write today, and won't have time tonight, so am going to post something I wrote on the fly yesterday. It was in response to a letter on one of my favorite website, written by a friend of a friend of a friend, Sarah Bunting. (I talked to her once, like a year ago, when I was angsting about law school vs. writing, but we're not friends.) First time writing to an advice columnist! Unfortunately, despite my brrrrrilliant advice and comments, I didn't get printed on her site... so I'm putting it up on mine. (The raison d'etre for 99.9 percent of all opinion columns.) (Oh, and you can check out the letter that Sarah DID put up on her site -- it raised points remarkably similar to mine -- at www.tomatonation.com/vinetoday.asp.)

First comes the letter, then comes Sarah Bunting's advice, and then my response.
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The Letter
Dear Sars,

I have a problem. About 18 months ago, I moved to another country. I'm Asian and I have family there (grandparents and extended familiy), though we're not close, mostly the "meet only at Christmas and holidays" type. My mother arranged for me to have my meals at my relatives' place, for which I pay a monthly food fee. I thought the arrangement was going okay -- I would go over there, have my meals with them, sit around and relax with them, et cetera. I don't talk a lot with my grandparents due to the language barrier, and my cousins are mostly young children (under ten years), so my conversations with them have been sort of limited to gestures and my poor linguistic attempts.

I'll admit that I could have made a greater effort to be more familiar with them. I tried buying the kids some treats but got lectured by my grandparents on how it was bad for their teeth, et cetera; tried to buy some stuff for them but then got lectured for wasting money; and I pretty much gave up after the first six months or so.

Then a few nights ago, my grandfather suddenly started laying into me. From my grasp of the language, I gather that the gist of his lecture was that I didn't make enough of an effort to be like family with them, that I behaved like a stranger who just came over for meals. My grandfather told me that they would no longer provide meals for me (I don't really mind that), and that I shouldn't come over so often was strongly implied.

He also said that I didn't really treat them like family, that when I brought food over (from outside), I didn't share it with them. The problem is that I have brought food for them, for which I have sometimes been rebuked for buying stuff that's not their perferred brand, too sweet, too unhealthy, and so on. After a while of that, I gave up on buying food or anything for them.

He also mentioned that I refused to tutor to my cousin (who is about eight years old), which I did, but because I have no experience teaching at all, and no idea about what she's taught in school or what I'm supposed to do. I do want her to do well in school, but I didn't think that I was the right person to teach her. Also, my auntie and uncle consider her academic success to be very important, and I guess I just saw a can of worms that I didn't want to get involved with. My grandparents took as another example of my selfishness.

Now on to my problem -- I really want to mend fences with them. I just don't know how to do this without inadvertently offending them like I've been doing previously. I also don't want to lose touch with them because they're my family. Any ideas would be much appreciated.

Hopelessly Out Of Touch

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The Response
Dear Out,

I think you should ask to speak to your grandfather -- tell him you'd like to apologize, and that you don't want him to interrupt until you've finished. Then apologize, and tell him what you've just told me. You feel terrible if you've offended him and/or the rest of the family, and you'd like to become closer to them, but you have difficulties with the language, and you don't know what they consider "proper" all the time -- so you hope he'll give you another chance, and you also hope he'll help you with some of the cultural differences, because he assumes you know what they expect and how things are done, but you don't.

The trick is to make him see that you feel bad, but also that, as you say, you offended them inadvertently. I think your grandfather came down a little hard on you given that you barely know either him or the language, but on the other hand, I don't think he's inclined to see it that way or to change his way of dealing with you, so appeal to him as an elder and ask him to guide you a bit better in the future.
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My Comments
Hi Sars,

I read Hopelessly Out of Touch's message with much interest. I'm Korean-American and moved to Korea five months ago, so I sympathize with Touch's cultural ignorance. If I'm right that Touch is Asian-American, and that Touch is currently in the motherland, I have some comments for her (or him).

First, if Touch is still limited linguistically, talking to Grandfather is going to be difficult, considering the ideas she would want to get across. Although I agree that Touch should also address Grandfather directly, I'd also suggest that she contact her mother and ask for advice on how to make up. Older generation Asians often don't understand the straightforward, "let's talk things out" method of reconciliation so favored by Americans. The code of conduct in Asia is drastically different from the American one, and while you might not agree with it, at least you can try to understand it so that you offend people out of informed choice rather than ignorance.

Following this line of thought, Touch should ask native friends for explanations and advice. Touch mentioned that her grandparents didn't seem to like the food she brought for them or the sweets she brought for the kids. In Korea, gift recipients often don't express gratitude; more often they'll say something like, "Are you crazy? Why did you spent so much money?" So her grandparents' criticism may not indicate disapproval.

If Touch felt that her food gifts were truly not appreciated, she might have considered doing as the natives do, by noting what foods were eaten in the house and buying some of those things for the family in addition to the food Touch wanted to eat by herself. In Korea, for example, dessert doesn't usually include sweets -- it's usually fruit. Again, this is something she could ask her friends or mother.

I'm willing to lay a bet that, with the craze in Asia for learning English, Touch's grandparents probably want her to tutor her cousin in that lovely language. I doubt that her relatives would demand that she tutor her cousin in math or science or other fields that she doesn't specialize in, but even if that were the case, Touch could probably get away with claiming ignorance and stick with English. Native English-speakers are hot commodities in Asia, and are regularly asked to tutor kids; my next-door neighbor, out of the blue, asked me to tutor her daughter in English two weeks ago. Since I hate kids, there was no way I was going to do it, but in Korea, you don't say no. Seriously. Your refusal must be shown in the tone of voice, demeanor, and un-enthusiasm of your reply, which is more along the lines of: "Well, you know, I don't have much time these days, but if I do, I will call you." That's clearly a "no" to Koreans.

In essence, Touch would benefit enormously from asking natives about rules of conduct in her host country. Knowing the rules will help her: (1) figure out how to apologize and make up with her grandparents; (2) avoid making further errors; and (3) decide on an informed basis how far she wants to "do as the Romans do." The last point is very important, because Touch may not want to conform to the rules that dictate how a family member should act. In Korea, most kids stay at home until they wed; they often live at home during college; and even when married, see or talk to their parents quite frequently. A 28-year-old friend of mine lives with her parents and still has a 11 pm curfew. No one raised in America will take easily to these expectations, and Touch shouldn't feel bad about not fulfilling them if she doesn't want to. But she should also be prepared for the consequences if she doesn't, and respectfully make arrangements that cause as little offense as possible while still maintaining her principles.

Family is very, very important in Asia, and with some etiquette coaching and humility, I think Touch should be able to mend fences. I loudly applaud her desire to try.

Another Expat